Within a few years of the close of WWII, my parents married and began their lives together setting out as we all do into the unknown the future beholds. I came along 2 decades later as the last of seven children, the surprise “gift” to a couple in their mid-40’s. Neither achieved what we consider a higher education; Mom was stay at home and Dad worked in a local factory. He sometimes filled in the meager salary with a second and sometimes third job while she was 24/7 handling the dynamics and demands of a household of 9. Then it happened. When I was 6 years old, my eldest sister got married and at the wedding reception my eyes were opened. At some point, my parents got onto the dance floor and song after song they glided effortlessly within their embraces to whatever tune was playing. I remember thinking, “Where in the world did they learn how to do this?” Now, 50 years later, I can begin to comprehend what I experienced in that moment.
Today’s second reading is from Saint Paul’s letter to the Church in Ephesus. He wrote about marriage (from a bachelor’s pen) to a culture that was not very friendly to women, children, slaves, and pretty much everyone who was not male. However, it was and IS life changing to the idea of what a Christian marriage should reflect.
“(Brothers AND sisters): submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21). Paul sets the stage for every verse that follows by stating that it is a mutual submission of husband to wife AND wife to husband out of a desire to love and follow Christ. It is important that we understand the basic definition or etymology of the word submit is “to place under.” If we visualize this definition, then we see that if I am standing under another, then I am raising or holding the other person up. Conversely, they are doing the same for me when the roles are reversed. Now that we put into context what Saint Paul is demanding of the listener then the remaining verses become clarified and bring hope and peace to a marriage.
Women should thus not be scandalized when reading that “wives should submit to their husbands.” For when placing themselves under their spouse, they are supporting and raising up their beloved upon their shoulders as Christ so loved us that he took our sins upon his shoulders out of deep and affectionate love. It is important to note in another letter of Paul that there is no longer “male and female (husband and wife), for you are all ONE in Christ Jesus!” (Galatians 3:28). Back to Ephesians: Men are actually the ones who should tremble at the next verse which follows. “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25). Husbands are challenged to not only submit and place themselves under their wives in holy support but to carry them up to the summit of Mount Calvary and sacrifice their very lives just as Christ did upon the cross. So, the husband is to look to Christ as the model of spousal love, which is made perfect only through self-sacrifice for the good of the other.
Just as my parents displayed on that church hall floor over a half century ago, marriage is a complex but beautiful dance that takes work, effort, and lots of practice. Many a toe was stepped upon, sometimes a trip, stumble and fall occurred. But each partner got back up into an embrace and rejoined the music and danced on. The best dancing occurs when each partner anticipates the others next move (or need) and responds to that. There are no losers in a relationship when both submit to each other out of love for each other AND for Jesus Christ.